


kiss me on the mouth (and set me free)

by emergencyquad



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-18 02:19:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12378849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emergencyquad/pseuds/emergencyquad
Summary: A study on fleeting opportunities and lost possibilities - or the five times Javier and Yuzuru almost kissed and the one time they finally did.





	1. pinky promise

Javier has learned throughout his career that there is always an infinite amount of possible outcomes all predestined to fall into place no matter how hard one tries to prevent them. He learned this the hardest and most brutal way during Sochi. Time itself was uniform in composition, but once consumed, it takes on a deformed shape. One period of time might be terribly heavy and long, while another could be light and short. Occasionally the order of things could be reversed, and in the worst cases order itself could vanish entirely. Sometimes things that should not be there at all might be added onto time.

Javi can trace the outline of wounds that are still slowly forming into scabs produced from the series of events that went on in the 2014 Olympics. Some are deep and ugly gashes that still ooze blood when pressed on too hard, others light scratches that one can’t see unless the light shines directly on them. 

Being so close to the top makes the fall down to the bottom hurt even worse, and Javier doesn’t know if he can take it anymore. Losing that is. Especially losing to him, someone he can’t even feel true remorse at, since the kid basically flies across ice and into just about everyone’s hearts. And when he’s not flying, he is crashing, burning, and destroying himself, then getting back up and doing it all over again. All with a look of hungry determination that never seems to get fully fed, no matter how many titles he wins or records he breaks. 

Javier doesn’t know what’s harder - losing or winning at the Olympics. His chest hurts and his hands ache from how close he was to snatching that bronze medal, but when he sees Yuzuru bombarded by cameras and questions and scrutiny over his flawed free skate, he still feels sorry for him even though there’s a shiny gold medal hanging around his neck. But maybe that’s just because it’s Yuzuru, who he knows needs solitude after competitions, especially ones as overwhelming as this one. Yuzuru who, despite the fact that he’s forever humble and almost unbearably polite, probably just wants to be alone. 

Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. Humans by necessity must have a midway point between their desires and their pride. Just as all objects must have a center of gravity. For Javier, that thing has become Yuzuru. Somewhere along the way, between plane rides and long, gruesome practices, the type where they can feel their bones grinding together, he has accepted the fact that he needs Yuzuru. 

So Javier decides to save him. It isn’t the hardest thing to do, when there are tons of people milling around and no one will notice if he snatches up an Olympic gold medalist and silently makes his escape. He does just that, grabbing the Japanese boy by the arm and basically dragging him out of there, not even looking back to see what they left behind. He doesn’t really look at where he’s going, either, because next thing he knows he’s brought them to a storage closet. 

“I, uh, thought you might have wanted to get out of there.” Javier stumbles through his words uncharacteristically, hand scratching the back of his neck in obvious discomfort until he hears the giggles escaping from the boy still being grasped by Javi. 

“Thank you,” Yuzuru threads his fingers between the hand still holding his arm, “for saving me.” He smiles at Javi, all teeth and gums and trust, and the pain that hadn’t gone away since he ended his free skate suddenly disappears. 

“My pleasure, Olympic champion.” Yuzuru giggles again. 

“Don’t say like that, it’s too weird.” The younger slaps him on the shoulder and even pouts a little bit. Some seconds pass before Yuzuru says, “It was strange.” 

“What was?” 

“Not having you on podium with me. I kept looking to my left expecting to see Javi.” Yuzuru runs a hand through the curls on the side of Javi’s head, right above his ear. 

Javier doesn’t know if he should feel hurt or comforted by the others words, but he chooses the latter in the end. With a warm smile and a slightly aching chest he says, “Next time, we will be up there together.” 

“2018?” Javi laughs, nodding. “Pinky promise?” He nods again and links his pinky with the others, warmth spreading from where their fingers connect, and he thinks briefly that kissing him in that moment wouldn’t be so bad. That it might even be able to heal all his fresh wounds, without even leaving any scars behind. 

He shakes the thought from his mind and exits the closet, opening back up the door to endless flashes of cameras and endless trials and errors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is going to be about 6-7 chapters, i have everything but the last two chapters finished so updates should be very frequent (although most of the parts are pretty short, rip)! hope you all enjoyed the first chapter~ please comment im desperate.


	2. disintegrate

Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. Javier knows that no matter how hard he tries, scratches, or scrapes in order to prevent those around him from forming tears or shedding blood, there isn’t much he can do besides stand there and watch on in hopeless defeat. 

It’s the hardest to do when it’s Yuzuru, who is so utterly closed off from him. He is stuck in a frozen solid block of ice that won't melt or crack no matter how hard he hacks at it. Javier knows Yuzuru well enough to know that he’s the type to be ashamed of his suffering, the type to evade comfort and hide his tears deep in the marrow of his bones, never letting them out no matter how long they fester. 

It all happens so fast that Javier isn’t even sure how it all began. One second Yuzuru is practicing his free skate and the next he’s passed out on the ice with blood streaming down his forehead and chin in dark, angry red lines. Javier, despite being continents away, feels like he should have _done something_. 

Javier’s heart resembles an extraordinary river after a long spell of rain, overflowing its banks. All signposts that once remained on the ground are gone, immersed and diverted by that surge of water. Yet still the rain pounds on the surface of the river. No matter how many dams he digs or walls he builds, Yuzuru's smiles laced with pain cause them to disintegrate.

Fifteen minutes later as he watches Yuzuru struggle through one of the toughest skates Javi has ever had to watch, he wonders for the millionth time how a being like that can live in the same span of time as him. 

Yuzuru breaks down in the kiss & cry when his scores are revealed and the strangled sounds of his sobs echo in the arena and echo inside of Javi, denting up his insides. When Brian has to support the others full body weight when he finally manages to get up, Javi feels stones in his throat and heat in his eyes. The feeling that he should _do something_ is once again running through his veins and lighting him on fire from the inside out. 

The next time Javier sees Yuzuru, he has a fourth place finish at NHK and a look of complete emptiness shining in pitch black eyes. He’s banned from jumping, and was ordered to just do some light skating to get himself reacclimated to the cricket club ice. He is avoiding Javier’s eyes and pretending to be focused on the way his blades slash the ice in slow and easy lines. 

Javier had thought of so many things to tell the younger in their time apart, encouraging phrases and uplifting sentiments, but now that the other is next to him he can’t get out a single syllable. The space between them seems miles apart right now, even though the other is only inches from his fingertips. 

He takes in a deep breath of chilly air and let’s go of all his pride when he exhales, because this is _Yuzuru_. Yuzuru, who went through hell and came back without a single complaint even though the burn marks are clearly visible and the change in his eyes even more so. He suddenly remembers that fiery want to _do something_ , and finally says, “Are you okay?” 

“What?” Yuzuru finally stops to look at him, pieces of his way overgrown hair falling into his eyes. 

“I asked,” Javier moves the very distracting pieces of hair away and tucks them behind Yuzu’s ear, “if you were okay.” Yuzuru deflates a little bit. Anyone who didn’t know the skater might’ve missed it, but Javier notices the way his shoulders slightly sag and how the ends of his mouth quirk downward. 

“I’m fine, Javi. Why do you even ask?” This kid has got to be joking. 

Javier stares at him until he sees a slight crack in his foundation, then says, “Yuzu, I’m asking if you are okay.” 

“I-“ Yuzuru looks at him and Javi finally sees the first flash of emotion in his eyes since he came back from Japan. It’s fleeting and barely visible, but it’s there. “I might not be.” 

“That’s okay, Yuzu.” Javi places a hand on Yuzuru’s shoulder, “None of us expect you to be.” The other nods his head, the pieces of inky hair falling into his now moist eyes once again. “You don’t want to talk about it, do you?”

“Not today. I’m having trouble talking.” Javi is caught by surprise when Yuzuru links their fingers together. But it feels right, somehow. The anxious feeling that hadn’t quite disappeared since Cup of China lessens each time the pulse points on the palms of their hands thrum together. 

“But thank you, Javi.” 

“For what?” He didn’t do nearly enough. 

“For saying words I needed to hear.” 

Javier wonders why Yuzuru is always thanking him when he hasn’t done anything to deserve it. He wonders why their fingers are still linked together and wonders why they haven’t moved from this spot in the corner of the rink where time seems to have come to a standstill. But he mostly wonders what it would be like to kiss Yuzuru, in this moment where gravity keeps pulling them together by the blades of their skates. 

He wonders, he wonders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for bringing up coc 2014, but it had to be done. (and i love to die) dont worry though, the next part is really fluffy (i think)


	3. home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ("Other Javi" = Javier Raya, who also skates at TCC!!!)

“I thought you said you were good at this.” 

“Shut up and stop cheating!” 

“I not cheating, you’re just bad.” Yuzuru laughs as he kills Javi’s character for the fourth time in a row. The Other Javi laughs at this, but his smile quickly drops when Yuzuru kills him next. 

“He _is_ cheating.” 

Javier shakes his head and leans back in his seat, hands folded behind his head. He doesn’t know why they even try to play against Yuzuru, since he always destroys them in whatever game they decide to play. 

Other Javier stands up and stretches his hands above his head. “Well, I’m headed to bed. Don’t make too much noise, you two.” Javier gives him a pointed look which he shrugs at. He likes to tease Javi about Yuzu, since he knows it freaks him out. 

He never should have told his roommate about Yuzuru. It is up there on his list of Biggest Mistakes, right below letting his mom show Yuzuru his baby pictures. But he was a little bit drunk, and the words just started spilling out. The _“I really want to kiss Yuzu”_ and the _“I miss him so much”._ And of course Javier won’t let him live it down. 

“Want to play another game? Or watch movie?” 

“Definitely not play another game.” 

“Why?” Yuzuru pokes him in the side. “Why? Huh? Are you sc _aaaa_ red?” 

“No. I’m just sick of your boasting.” 

“What did you say? Think I heard _‘I’m scared’_.” At this, Javier reaches his breaking point. He pushes Yuzuru down onto the couch and attacks him. Well he tickles him, but same thing. Yuzuru laughs so hard tears form at the corner of his eyes, threatening to fall out at any moment. “Okay, okay! Javi isn’t scared! He is champion of all video games! I bow down to his greatness!” 

Javier laughs and finally stops his attack, but still keeps Yuzu pinned down to the couch, a hand wrapped around each of his wrists. “Hmm, I don’t know. That didn’t sound very sincere.” Javi starts to move his hand back to Yuzuru’s very ticklish stomach. The younger boy attempts to kick his hands away but to no avail. But then Yuzuru does something that he has to know Javier is powerless against. He pouts. 

“Are you kidding me right now? What are you, four?” But Javier’s voice is shaking and his hands loosen their death grip on Yuzuru’s wrists. The other slinks away and uses his now free hand to point a finger at him, laughing. Now it’s Javier’s turn to pout. 

“Oh, you are just so pitiful.” Javier scoffs at that and refuses to make eye contact with the other. “C’mon, let’s watch TV.” He still doesn’t respond but he hands Yuzu the remote, the other automatically flipping through the channels until he finally stops on the news. 

They watch on in easy and warm silence. Yuzu’s eyes start to flutter and his head somehow makes its way into Javier’s lap. As Javier looks at the way Yuzuru’s hair splays across his thigh, he silently wishes that they could always be like this. 

“Javi. Do you ever feel selfish for moving away?” At first, the question catches Javier off guard, but then he sees what’s playing on the news. It’s footage from an earthquake, and even though it’s just featuring a minor one, Javi knows where Yuzuru’s mind is headed. 

He runs a soothing hand through the other’s hair before saying, “Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more to grow figure skating in Spain. That I should start training there, instead of in Toronto.” 

“You won’t move away, right-” 

“No, no, I won’t. Because Toronto is home. Brian and Tracy are home.” _You are home_ , he wants to say, but stops himself. “Without Toronto I wouldn’t have been able to become European champion, hell, I even became a _world champion_.” The words still sound foreign and strange on Javi’s tongue. “So my answer is no. I don’t feel guilty.” 

Yuzuru takes a deep breath in and out and Javier can feel his body tense in his lap. “Sometimes, I can’t even sleep because of how guilty I feel. For leaving my city in such great time of need.” Javier continues to run fingers through the other’s hair, urging him on. “But I was just so lonely Javi, without the ice. I wanted to soar. I wanted to be best in world, and I just couldn't do it in Japan, where things were crumbling under my feet. Is that wrong of me?” 

“Yuzu, you did what you needed to do, and Sendai is proud of you. Proud of you for leaving and reaching the top. No, flying over the top. And maybe going through that kind of tough, lonely experience is necessary when you’re young? Part of the process of growing up?” He thinks of his time with Morozov, how cold and utterly alone he felt. “Like the way surviving hard winters makes a tree grow stronger, the growth rings inside it tighter.”

“You really think so?” Yuzuru’s previously rigid body seems to unwind, his moist eyes mixing into a pool of washed up relief. But his lips are still formed into a pout, and Javier wants more than anything to kiss it away. To absorb all his pain paired with gritty guilt and feel it for him. Instead, he runs wanting fingers over the other’s face, starting at his eyebrows, moving onto his now closed eyes, then finally ending at his slightly parted lips. 

When Yuzuru sighs in his sleep and leans into Javier’s hand now cupping his cheek, Javi thinks that this right here is home.


	4. autopilot

Reality was utterly coolheaded and utterly lonely. 

It’s lonely being the only skater from Spain at the GPF in Barcelona. Last year, Javi fell over and over, and his brain chooses this moment to remember the feeling of suspended gravity and gritty shame. Javier has never been one to overthink. He is known for his easy going personality and positive outlook on life. But he can honestly say he’s freaking out. 

It hadn’t really hit him up until this point. Three hours before the short program, to be exact. He is on his third lap of the hotel, fists clenched at his sides and jaw tensed, endless streams of thoughts running through his mind faster than the rotations of a quad. 

The people here expect things from Javier Fernandez, 2015 World Champion, and Javi isn’t used to that. He doesn’t like to be looked at from a microscope, every detail of his insides on display for everyone to see and scrutinize. If he doesn’t do well here, what will the people in his country think of him? What would he think of himself? 

It’s these types of thoughts that run through his mind as he mindlessly walks through halls with wallpaper that his eyes just can’t quite focus on. The puke colored carpet looks blurry from how fast he’s walking, and he doesn’t even remember what floor he’s on, since they all look identical. 

“-avi! Javi!” He snaps back to reality when he hears his name being called from somewhere behind him, a voice he’d recognize anywhere reverberating between thin walls. “We been looking for you everywhere. Practice is starting in an hour and we have team meeting in hotel dining room.” 

Javi stares at him, deadpan. “Why you not answer phone? Everyone been calling. Even my mom dust off her phone to try to call.” When Javi still doesn’t answer, Yuzu snaps bony fingers in his face and when that doesn’t work, pinches his cheeks. “Hellooo? Javi in there?” 

“What?” Yuzu sighs and pushes on his shoulder with exasperation, impatience pulsing through his lithe figure. 

“Okay, now I really worried. What wrong with you?” Yuzuru pauses a moment, then nods in delayed understanding. “Skating at home is scary. But I have learn to love it.” Javier shrugs and pretends that the other isn’t completely correct. “Let me tell you story. In 2014 worlds, I felt like the world was collapsing around me. You were there, you saw how terrible I did in short program!” 

Javier remembers. He remembers Yuzuru being treated like a king when they arrived in Japan - a flawless, faultless, inhuman king. At the time, he was jealous, he can admit this now, years later. But looking back, he realizes how hard that must’ve been. Skating at home is tough. Skating at home when you are the newly crowned Olympic champion was probably excruciating. 

Javier suddenly feels like a giant baby. 

“But I let all that go. I focused on skating. On flying, on landing, on letting everything else go and just letting the blades move by themselves.” Yuzuru smiles, a wistful, dreamy smile, one that takes Javi to a completely different place. A place with no vomit colored carpet or walls that make you dizzy if you stare at them too long. 

“I know you will be able to do it, Javi.” Javier doesn’t know about that, but he nods his head anyway. “And even if you don’t, I will.” 

“You little-“ Javier reaches for him, but he escapes his hands and runs away. 

“Race you to the lobby!” 

He chases after him and can finally stop thinking since the moment they landed in Barcelona. 

 

It really isn’t fair that Yuzuru is always right. 

When Javier bombs his short, he feels like the world is collapsing around him. He feels utterly hopeless and defeated. But then he remembers Yuzuru, who even with the heavy Olympic crown weighing him down, managed to claw his way back up to the top of the podium on that night so many years ago. 

So the next day, he just _skates_. He lets everything go. Let’s the music run through his veins and his blades slash patterns into the ice on autopilot. It feels good to skate without expectations, to skate without thoughts pounding into his skull and leaving dents behind. It feels right. 

But nothing can quite compare to what Yuzuru did, that night. Every movement he did on that Barcelona ice was carved into skating history. He ripped through the rink like a supernova, leaving everyone and everything splattered in light. Not a light that blinds you, but one that guides the way on a dark and hopeless night. 

Later, when the applause and flashes of cameras finally stops, and it’s just the last few people on the bus back to the hotel, Javier is content. Yuzuru laughs at something he’s reading on his phone and Javier swears he’s still moving on autopilot when he lays his head on the others shoulder. 

“So what do you think, Javi?” 

“About what?” 

“Do you like skating at home?” Javier nods, head moving up and down against the other's shoulder. Yuzuru plays with a piece of Javier’s hair and says, “I like skating in your home, too. It feels very welcoming. Feels comfortable. Like an old friend.” The idea of Yuzuru liking skating in his home forces a smile to form on Javi’s lips. 

The bus comes to a clanging stop and they are suddenly jolted forward in their seats, Javi removing his head from Yuzuru’s shoulder and banging it on the seat in front of them. Yuzuru let’s out a bellowing laugh, but still pats the sore spot on his forehead gently. 

“Aww, does Javi need me to kiss it better?” 

“You little-“ Yuzuru for the second time this week escapes his grasp and runs like lightning from him, giggling the whole way. 

Javier prays the other didn’t notice the red painting his cheeks. He hopes he didn’t notice the way he leaned into his touch and let his eyes linger on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the last update for a few days because I'm gonna be busy the rest of the week. Good news is I have everything but the last part (+maybe an epilogue of sorts) finished! Thanks again to everyone who has been commenting, it really means a lot and makes me want to update everyday, <3\. ily all.


	5. airplane wishes

Boston was like a dream and a nightmare all wrapped into one, sugar laced series of events. They chased the end of the rainbow, hunting for gold. 

What they didn't know was that something was already waiting there, hunting them. 

Yuzuru was having trouble for weeks, locking up the pain in a tiny filing cabinet, but the key was lost, so Javier had to break it open and wedge his way inside. But at that point it was too late, too swollen. The cracks that had previously been cemented shut eroded away and left Yuzuru raw and aching. 

He never told the media about his injury. He never even told Javier, really, but Javier knew. He has been there, after all. He’s been in that place, of denial and desperation. So he knew just by the look on Yuzu's face when he’d take off for a jump. 

The short program was intense. So intense that Javier thought he didn’t stand a chance, not with Yuzuru Hanyu as his competition. But at the same time, he didn’t want to stand a chance. He was afraid. Afraid of what it would do to Yuzuru if he fell from outer space and back down onto earth, regaining all sense of gravity. 

He didn’t want to see Yuzuru turn to stardust and blow even further away from him. 

He thinks of Shanghai. Of the cracks that still remain in his ribs from how much his heart ached seeing Yuzu broken down right there in front of him. The words Yuzuru said to him that day still ring in his ears, the _”I’m so proud of you, you deserved this more than anyone else.”_ And Javier knows that the other was being honest with him, but that didn’t prevent the tears he wiped away from the others cheeks from burning his fingertips. 

Fate is a lot like the ticking of time or the earth rotating - inevitable. 

Javier Fernandez, now a two time world champion, doesn’t see Yuzuru cry that night in Boston. He sees him shine on, even though he fell from the clouds and onto cold, unwelcoming ice. 

During Yuzuru’s exhibition program he skated with emotion pouring out of every morsel of his being. Starting from the tips of his fingertips down to the ends of his toes, tangible surges of raw emotion radiate off his figure, purging Javier into a state of wonder.

That night, Yuzuru did something every performer strives to do - bring the audience someplace new. Make them feel what you feel and understand the story you are trying to tell with just music and blades across bone white ice. 

Yuzuru Hanyu never ceases to amaze him. 

 

"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight-" Yuzu sang, pointing up at the glitter painted sky. 

Javier snorted. “That's a plane."

"Oh.” He looks at him, a thousand specks of light reflecting in his eyes, and Javi’s paper mache heart crumbles. “Do planes grant wishes?"

"Wishes to leave, sure."

"Perfect." Yuzuru smiles and closes his eyes, probably wishing upon a plane to be back in Sendai, not to be here with him, on a grimy tiled Boston rooftop with barely enough railing to keep them safe. It’s something of a tradition they have, to reconvene after they compete together. Usually their meetings happen in someplace high up in the sky where the air is less dense and the lighting less harsh. 

Javier knows he shouldn’t ask, but he does it anyway. “What did you wish for?” 

“I can’t tell you, too embarrassing.” 

“C’mon, tell me!” He whines. “I promise I won’t make fun of you.” 

Yuzuru side eyes him, “But that’s what you always say.” Yet, he still continues. “I wished to be back in Spain.” 

Javier was not expecting that. Warmth spreads through his veins and paints his ears red. “What? Why would you wish for that?” 

Yuzuru shrugs, “I miss the food.” 

Javier is reminded of when he forced Yuzuru to go eat with his friends. He laughs and shakes his head. “Next time my mom visits Toronto, I will have her cook for you. Her stuff is way better than what we had, that night.” The other lights up brighter than the north star and nods his head eagerly. 

Yuzuru sighs and looks back up at the sky. 

“You know. I am glad it’s you who beat me tonight. Anyone else and I’d be furious.” He closes his eyes. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I actually… am. I think. It does hurt, and I’m so, so afraid. But in the grand scheme of things, winning isn’t everything.” Javier doesn’t even have to ask what he’s afraid of, because even though he won tonight, he’s afraid of it, too. Of falling so hard he can’t skate again. 

“That sounds like something Brian would say.” 

“Maybe I do listen to him, sometimes.” Yuzuru shrugs, then smirks, “Plus, there’s always next year.”

“Ahh, there's the Yuzu we know and love.” 

Minutes pass by and moments are lost to silence. Another plane flies above them and leaves a grainy grey trail behind. And now, it’s his turn to make a wish. 

“You know you’ll always be the champion in my heart, right?” Javier wiggles his eyebrows at him and puts a hand on his heart, joking. But really he is telling the truth. No one is as strong and as worthy of being called a champion as Yuzuru is. Even without the gold medals or the world records - he is a champion. 

“Oh shut up, not this again.” But when Yuzuru smiles, it lights up the whole rooftop and outshines the full moon. And Javier, of course, wants to kiss his moonlit lips and pull him close enough to breath him all in. But he doesn’t. 

Javier had wished on the plane earlier for the courage he knew he’d never get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... rostelecom cup anyone? how about that 4lutz though???!?!?? sorry im still in shock. really proud of yuzu for not going pure skate canada flop and actually doing really well ;; ALSO WOW NATHAN MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!!! THE KIDS GOT HOPS!!! and lots of curls ... in case no one noticed i love him a lot. 
> 
> last(?) update coming soon-ish!!!!


	6. melting

It’s been awhile since they have been able to do this. Some would call it “breaking and entering” but Javier likes to call it an adventure. And it’s not like they broke in, technically. They just swiped Brian’s keys and walked right into the cricket club. Completely legal. 

Now, with their boots finally laced up, they skate across the freshly cleaned ice. Yuzuru plugged his phone into the stereo and some soft Japanese music is playing that Javier has never heard before. It reminds him of late nights with Yuzuru, when they would talk so much their voices would start to crack, or they wouldn’t talk much at all, just skate. 

This is one of those nights. Where they don’t need too many words, just the sound of the music echoing off the wooden walls and their blades gliding across familiar ice. 

It’s nice, getting to skate with him here, without expectations. No jump or spin quota to meet and no choreography to pound into their muscles. Sometimes that’s just what they need to remember what it is that urges them to continue on in this gruesome, yet oh-so-beautiful sport they’ve decided to dedicate their lives to. 

Seconds turn into minutes, and minutes into hours, and now they’ve been on the ice so long their hands and noses are turning numb. Almost in sync they look at each other and laugh, shaking their heads in disbelief. 

“How long have we been here, exactly?” 

“I don’t know, but fingers about to get freezer bite.” 

Javi laughs, teeth chattering, “You mean frostbite?” Yuzuru waves a hand in dismissal and shuffles closer to him until their breath mixes together in wispy clouds. 

“Your nose looks really red,” Javier laughs and then taps the others icy nose with his index finger, “Like rudolph.” 

Yuzuru pouts and Javier is once again left defenseless, his palms moving to cup the others face and run his thumbs across his cheekbones without him even telling them to. 

“Hey, Javi?” He can’t really find his words right now, too busy staring at Yuzu’s lips. Imagining how they’d feel, pressed against his own. 

He takes in a deep breath and shakes his head in an attempt to make those thoughts disappear before finally replying, “Yes?” 

“Are you ever going to kiss me?” Javier stares at him, wide eyed and mouth agape. That is definitely not something he ever thought he’d hear come out of Yuzuru’s mouth. He drops his hands from Yuzu’s face in shock. “I-I mean, you not have to, I just thought, since- honestly, I want to kiss you for awhile. Longer than awhile. And you- Javi keeps staring at my lips.” Yuzuru shifts uncomfortably under Javier’s shocked gaze. “I mean, never mind. Forget said any-“ 

Javier shuts him up with a kiss. 

It’s stillness and pressure and rhythm and breathing. Light bursts behind Javier’s closed eyes, so intensely he can nearly hear the popping sound. It's his brain melting, or his world ending, or maybe they’ve just been hit by a meteor and this is the rapture and he has been given one last perfect moment before he is sent to purgatory and Yuzuru is sent somewhere much, much better.

Then he kisses him again. And kisses him and kisses him, until Javier’s heartbeat was a song and his veins pulsed with honey and fire. Javi sighs just a little against his mouth, feeling that it was almost too much, all this newness, this feeling that there was space and light inside him he’d never noticed before. Every part of him down to his fingertips felt like reworked glass, melting into some new shape, his edges beginning to glow. He wanted to do nothing but stay this way, pressed against Yuzuru’s body, his warmth and goodness, forever.

But nothing can last forever, so they eventually pull away from each other, neither of them the least bit cold anymore. Yuzuru smiles at him and says, “Took you long enough.” 

“Oh, shut it.” Yuzuru giggles and Javier has to force himself not to kiss him breathless again. “So. You’ve wanted to kiss me for awhile, huh?” Yuzuru blushes and avoids his eyes. 

“I-I not mean to say that.” 

“So, it’s not true?” 

“No, it true. Very true.” Yuzuru sighs and lets all the tension leave his body. “The first time I wanted to kiss you… was probably Sochi. In the closet. Why would you bring me to closet, anyway? You were so close, and so… _Javi_ , always understanding what it is I need the most.” Now, Yuzuru is looking at him straight in the eyes, and Javier sees a thousand layers of light reflected back at him. “This is just too embarrassing, forget about any of this, okay? I know you not feel the same-“ 

Javier once again shuts him up with a kiss. It’s just a peck this time, a brief meeting between lips, but Javier’s heart beats just as fast as before. 

“I wanted to kiss you, too.” 

“W-What?” 

“God, Yuzu. Of course I’ve wanted to kiss you. So, so many times. But you just seemed so… far away. It’s like you were always locked up in your own little world.” 

“Well,” Yuzuru links their fingers together and brings their joined hands to rest on his chest, “you should’ve just knocked.” 

Javier uses his free hand to move pieces of Yuzuru’s hair behind his ear then says, “I guess I should’ve.” 

They leave the ice eventually, not without sneaking in a few more kisses before. Now they are on the bus home, both dreading being separated, even though they will see each other at practice the very next day. 

“Should we-“ 

“Do you want to-“ 

They look at each other and laugh, shaking their heads in unison. Yuzuru gestures for him to go ahead. “Do you want to grab a coffee?” 

“Yes, please.” 

Javier brings them to his favorite twenty four hour cafe that feels like his home away from home. He’s been coming here for as long as he’s trained at TCC, and by now even the workers know him by name. The fact that he’s bringing Yuzuru here with him makes his insides feel warm despite the cold weather hacking at his bones. Javier orders their drinks, a black coffee for him and to his disdain, a chai tea latte for Yuzuru. 

“How can you drink this stuff?” Javier gags as he hands Yuzuru his drink. “It’s way too sweet.” 

Yuzuru takes a big gulp before saying, “It way better than that tar you drink.” 

They sit in the cafe well past midnight, talking and laughing about everything and nothing. Javier tells him about all the times he almost kissed him. How he had wanted to kiss him in the middle of the rink after Cup of China, when Yuzuru had looked like he was hanging on by his fingernails. About the time when Yuzuru asked him if he’d ever regretted leaving home, and how hard it was for him not to kiss him right then because he _was_ his home. He even tells him about the time most recent, up on the Boston rooftop, where Yuzuru looked like a shooting star in physical form. He tells Yuzuru every lost possibility and lost opportunity and every step it took them to get to right here, in this moment. 

Yuzuru, blushing and cupping his already empty mug, can barely let out the “idiot” through his smile laced with misty tears. But by now, Javier knows how the other feels, no doubt about it. Yuzuru may not be able to articulate it with words, but the way he brushes his feet against his under the table says enough. 

Eventually, Javier can barely keep his eyes open despite the caffeine coursing through his veins. When Yuzuru laughs at him when he starts nodding off, Javier kisses the smile right off his face. 

(He will never admit this, but the chai tea tasted delicious when he licked it off Yuzuru’s lips.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaand there you go! the last chapter! i tried to make this one extra long and fluffy, i hope everyone enjoyed this.. i am thinking about making a yuzuvier series of "5 times, 1 time" stories in the same universe, let me know if that sounds like a good idea or not (also throw me some ideas of plots for those, i've got nothing this story burnt me out rip).


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